Let’s Talk About Loss

Florida, I will miss you.

Right about now, I’m suspended in a whirlwind of emotions. On the one hand, I am incredibly excited to be going back to Georgia on January 3rd and launching to Guatemala on January 7th. After all, international outreach is exactly what I wanted when I originally signed up for this gap year, right? On the other hand, I’m returning to the sadness and turmoil of leaving everything I know, again.

When the possibility of not launching in September first opened up, my initial thought was disappointment and concern about not having a “clean break” with my family and friends. The idea of coming back once I’d left, seemed challenging to me. I would rather not become “reattached” once I had “detached.”

Now, I can confirm that my concerns were correct. Yes, it is challenging. However, I’m not saying I would change the way things happened this fall. Getting the opportunity to return for the holidays was a huge gift to me, and one that I didn’t expect. And, there was the unexpected gift (a double-sided one, albeit) of getting an extra few weeks back at home due to completing our semester virtually.

However, all of that is leaving me in a limbo of emotions. Suddenly I woke up one day to realize that I’m leaving my home in 1 day (my family & I are leaving home a few days early for a short stop over in South Carolina to see family before I leave). It’s almost time for goodbyes all over again. And, boy, I sure do need God to sustain me for those.

This sweet time at home has been so good and so hard. I can almost laugh at how sad I am to leave again, when I think of the moments where tensions run high and I wonder how we ever get along. I suppose that’s God’s gift to me, in a way.

Opening up is hard. Being vulnerable is hard. Choosing to love is hard. Place a time limit on it, an end time, and it’s even harder. If I could choose, I’d rather not get comfortable back in a situation or a relationship that I know has a time limit. It’s easier to keep myself all closed, to protect my soul from loving. Because loving is hard, so hard. It’s opening yourself up to the pain of loss.

I’m learning more and more just how much grief I experience (we experience) on the daily. It can be overwhelming to consider the sheer amount of loss, even in one day. I don’t know about you, but when I start to ponder how I won’t get to live this day ever again in my life, it really hits me. Sometimes I don’t like to experience my grief. I’d rather save it for later. However, it’s become evident to me that that’s not a solution. My flesh doesn’t like it, but God has been slowly speaking to me on this.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss in your life, whether it’s something as little as your day not having a rewind button, or something as big as the feeling of a missed opportunity. We simply can’t carry this weight on our own. We must give it to God, otherwise our grief will catch up to us.

That’s where trust comes in. Thank God for, well, himself. Thanks to him, we can take that weight off of our shoulders. I’m really struggling with it right now, but I should be giving my concerns about time management for the rest of my period at home to God. I should be giving him all these feelings of loss. All the moments when I have to say goodbye and it won’t ever be exactly the same again.

Then, I must choose to rest in my Father’s arms. The Holy Spirit is our comforter. Even when I don’t have words to say, He will speak on my behalf. With his help, I don’t have to linger forever on my loss, my grief. Through Him, I am able to see the beauty of each moment, the gift of what it is, knowing that he intimately feels my pain, and he wants to bring healing.

That leads me to this point: I’m also learning that God wants to do more than just save us. He desperately wants to heal our whole selves: the deep crevices of our souls. That’s also hard, but that’s another topic altogether. Although, I think that accepting and inviting him into our grief is a step in that direction.

So, I pray for the fortitude to proceed into this next week with open arms. Open arms to feel the loss, to accept and acknowledge it, and to give it to the Father as He embraces me. I will choose to trust him for his joy as I move into another exciting season. I am eternally grateful for a God who is the same, yesterday, today, and forever.

An update! I currently need to raise $3,985 more to be fully-funded and to be able to continue onto the mission field. I must have this amount raised in full by January 15th or I won’t be able to do overseas ministry. Please be praying for God’s financial provision and for courage and strength as I head overseas. Any amount helps me reach my goal, but even if you can’t give financially, it’s so so helpful to share my blog and my financial and spiritual needs with others! A huge thank you also goes out to everyone who has donated or shared so far. I appreciate you, and I know that God will honor your sacrifice! Lastly, make sure that you subscribe to my blog for updates, as I won’t have access to my number or steady WiFi once I launch! However, I should be posting here on a weekly basis.